Contacts are not for the weak. At the big age of 31, I finally did it. Getting them in? Fine (by fine I mean 10 tries per eye before success). Getting them out at midnight? Pure, feral panic. Box breathing, eyes watering, bargaining with God. When I was at the optometrist, a 6’5” optometry student had to put them in for me like I was a toddler. I should have known - wasn’t gonna be that easy for me with my own weak hands. This initial easy insert gave me near-fatal doses of false confidence. 13 tiktok tutorials later, I finally got them out, but holy moly that was rough. If you have a fool-proof removal method, please reply. I cannot operate at this stress level for such a simple task.
Hall of Shame: KIND Blondies- I tried them because I was at my third grocery store of the day and broken. At that moment, I needed a snack ASAP. Sadly, they have zero flavor + weird bar-shot aftertaste. I just couldn't finish it. If you love them, I’m happy for you, truly, but it’s a hard pass from me.
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ThermoPop meat thermometer (a kitchen staple): It’s a ~$40 instant-read that ends the whole twisted game you’ve been playing of poultry-roulette. Tah tah to guesswork like cutting into chicken to see if the juices run clear (hi, Mom). Just keep a couple alcohol wipes in the holster; quick swipe and cleanup is done.
Jam of the week- Broadway star Ben Platt's cover of Diet Pepsi- it seems like it originally started as a bit of a joke, but his performance was actually nuts. Platt is clearly incredibly talented; the song has gained so much popularity they released the full version on Spotify too. Ben Platt has had me in a chokehold ever since I saw Netflix's The Politician a few years ago (which I highly recommend watching. It got mixed reviews overall but I appreciate the political satire of it all).
TikTok’s “my psychiatrist fell in love with me” saga:
Creator claims their psychiatrist caught feelings; the story keeps escalating. Turns out the psychiatrist just held very professional boundaries. A key issue here is that platforms reward confessional plot twists, so reality blurs- attention becomes the currency and we all become unreliable narrators (on purpose or not). Another issue is that instead of a few tiny clips of a mental breakdown on the cover of People magazine, people can live stream their episodes of psychosis. I feel like social media lets people blast out their private lives into the social-sphere a little too much for comfort. If you’re dying for a summary, this TikTok covers it all in 50 seconds.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard (the woman who assisted in the plot to kill her mom/was a victim of Munchausen's by proxy), has now converted her social media accounts to be her art pages. Post-prison rebrand into acrylic-pour canvases for sale. She is an artist, you ask? Well depends on what you call art. Remember in the early 2010s when people would dump acrylic paint on canvases, blow it around with a blow dryer, and try to sell it for 100? Thats what she's doing.
Billy Long served as IRS commissioner for less than 2 months when he got canned a few days ago- we’re not going to go into the details here, but he called Friday “FriYay” and would occasionally tell people to go home early. Now what was the problem here?!
Sweetgreen Summer Caprese Copycat (51g protein, makes 4)
Why make it: fresh, fast, and actually filling. I had this salad last month in New York and all I could think about is how easy it would be to make at home.
You’ll need: 1 package arugula, 1 package cherry/grape tomatoes (rainbow if you’re fun), fresh mozzarella pearls (or diced fresh mozz), jarred pesto, 1 lb baked or rotisserie chicken (salt/pepper + whatever you like), 1 cup cooked herbed quinoa (see below), balsamic dressing (I used Primal Kitchen).
Chicken: Bake at 385°F for 25–35 min, pull at 165°F internal (ThermoPop gang). Cool, then dice.
Herbed quinoa: Rinse ½ cup dry quinoa in a fine-mesh sieve (kills the bitter coating), cook per package. Stir in ½ tsp onion powder, ½ tsp cumin, ¼ tsp paprika, 1½ tsp olive oil, and a dash of cayenne.
Pesto mozz: Toss the mozzarella with 2–3 spoonfuls pesto until coated.
Assemble (per bowl): Big handfuls of arugula → halved tomatoes → ¼ of the pesto mozzarella (~10g protein) → 4.5 oz chicken (~39g) → ¼ cup cooked quinoa (~2g) → drizzle balsamic. Toss. Eat.
Notes & swaps: Chickpeas instead of chicken if you’re veggie, but you’ll lose protein (mozz has a decent amount though, so still solid). Lemon-tahini also slaps if you’re not into balsamic. Add avocado if you want extra fat/creaminess.
Math: ~51g protein per bowl as written (39g chicken + 10g mozz + 2g quinoa).
Happy cheffing!!
What did you think of today's issue?
Signing off eating a Cosmic Crisp apple,
Kate
P.S. If you enjoyed this, send it to your theatre friend. If you didn’t, send it to your weird cousin.
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